Earth Hour 2009 - Easy to Participate Thanks to Social Media

On Saturday, March 28, 2009, people all around the world were encouraged to join in on Earth Hour. During this period, which took place between 8:30 and 9:30pm in each participant's respective location, individuals were to "switch off their lights" for one hour. The 2009 event was the first world-wide attempt at an organized Earth Hour and was sponsored by the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF).

Social Media

After reading about the one billion participant goal on the Earth Hour website, I naturally became curious as to how a phenomena such as this one could even be tracked. To a large extent, it is far too pervasive and voluntary to tally accurate numbers. However, I was intrigued by the site's encouragement of social media use. The homepage suggested that participants to take photos (for the official Flickr group), record video (for the official YouTube group), blog (with specified tags), and Twitter (using hashtags). All of these methods will not only capture a diverse perspective of the people and places involved in Earth Hour, but also provide a tangible archive of interest and action. According to the official site, the purpose behind the event is to gain leverage at the 2009 Global Climate Change Conference, presumably by presenting Earth Hour numbers as evidence that citizens of the world at large are concerned with global warming. Social media, from photos to "tweets" to this blog post, will play a large role in proving that people are taking active roles in the climate change debate. I believe that the ease with which individuals can voice their opinions is a great affordance offered by social media that can be capitalized on by valuable causes.

MSU Participation

I spent most of my Earth Hour roaming around Michigan State University's campus to see if I could gauge how many students were getting involved. But to begin, I was interested to see if any local businesses would participate. So, I started on the main commercial strip at the north side of campus. Unfortunately, I found that essentially no lights were turned off beyond those of shops that just happened to be closed by 8:30pm. Next, I moved on to check out a few dormitories. Some halls were clearly participating, as only a handful of rooms in the entire building had visible lights on, whereas others did not appear to be as active. Below, I have posted some of the photos that I took. Since I was without a tripod and could not take clear, long exposure shots, I tried to create more of a graphical effect using zoom and pan techniques. When interpreting the images, very bright colors represent street, neon sign, and automobile lights. Faint colors represent light coming out of rooms and windows. And darkness, of course, represents an absence of light.

Businesses were not too keen on Earth Hour

Decent participation from this dorm

Likewise

The ghost of electricity presented itself to me

Pretty good participation from this dorm

Hardly any of these students had their lights on

A 360 view of my living room when I returned home

Lights On

Now that Earth Hour has ended, there will be much for the WWF to review in terms of digital information. The power and ease with which target audiences can be engaged through social media intrigues me. Furthermore, these avenues are excellent ways to spread the word about causes, not only to capture results. Awareness often being the most critical factor in getting people interested in non-profit work, I expect to see more and more social capitalization as time goes by. Participating in Earth Hour, an event that could potentially impact the future of global policy, could not have been any easier than it was tonight - thanks to social media.

A Blogger Blogfolio - My Answer to a Simple, Sustainable, ePortfolio

Having been in dire need of a more maintainable portfolio that integrated well with my blog for some time now, I am relieved to finally announce my new blogfolio.

Introducing the iFolio

Simplify

My old website may have been nice-looking and flashy (literally, Flash-y), but it was created back when I was in the early stages of learning ActionScript. Hence, the back end was a wreck and very difficult to maintain, which explains why I seldom updated it. I had to move to something that would better sustain itself. This urgency arose from the simple desire to spend my time creating new works to incorporate into a portfolio, rather than maintaining an existing portfolio.

Blog Considerations

Often, I have considered setting up a WordPress or similar self-hosted blog. Yet, having created WordPress blogs for others in the past, every time I consider starting one for myself, I decide that they are just not sustainable. Sure, they offer nice advantages like complete control, unlimited customization, and a custom domain URL. However, they also come with what I determined to be insurmountable disadvantages, including update and upgrade burdens, hosting costs, and less search engine optimization. For me, Blogger was the way to go. The hosting is free and I am not troubled with non-content maintenance. Further, I am still able to sufficiently customize my blogfolio through minimal "hacking" into the Blogger template code.

Portfolio Considerations

Another reason that it took me so long to give up my old portfolio was that I had not found a solution that I was satisfied with. I am an advocate of electronic portfolios that are unique and representative of their owners. Thus, just having a basic blog would not adequately represent my digital talents nor my personality. Luckily, I came across this Photoshop tutorial collection that inspired me to put together my latest Flash creation. I call it the iFolio. Essentially, I took the look and feel of an iPhone, but designed my own icons to represent items from my portfolio. Each one has a URL, so viewers can experience the actual artifact, and a basic description to give them an idea of what it is. The iFolio is compact and easy to maintain. All I need to do when I create a new piece is to make an icon for it and write a paragraph to describe it. Moreover, the iFolio is a positive representation of my Flash design abilities.

The Blogfolio

Having decided to keep my blog with Blogger and having created a sustainable Flash component, it was time to bring them together. I chose to turn my blog into my homepage. My past portfolio work, not to be forgotten in the process, rests nicely in the upper right-hand corner of my blog, thanks to the iFolio. Now visitors can keep up to date on my most recent thoughts and explore my portfolio from one, convenient location. It is great for me too, since the site is easy to maintain and stays fresh as I regularly add blog articles.

Is A Blogfolio Right For You?

The blogfolio idea is working well for me, but is it right for you? Well, that will depend on what you are looking for in a portfolio website. Naturally, this solution assumes that you are an active blogger. If not, your site would get stale quickly, since your most recent post would always be featured on the homepage, no matter how long ago it was added. Also, as I described it, the blogfolio idea suggests that you are more concerned with ease of use, maintenance, and integration, which allows you to focus on content, rather than being in complete control of a fully customizable site. It is worth noting that I found a way to incorporate my Flash talents, in spite of taking the less customizable route.

Lastly, if you are wondering which blog solution you should choose, I recommend searching Google. Many writers have done a wonderful job comparing Blogger and WordPress in the past. Ultimately, the right system for you will come down to what you hope to achieve with your website. Regardless of platform, I believe that the best portfolios have unique personalities that represent the talents of their authors.

As always, my portfolio is available online at: http://www.johnmquick.com

News Briefs - Accessibility Blog | Open Source Textbook Website

Today, I came across two interesting new sites, including a blog about accessibility technology and a website featuring open college textbooks.

Abledbody: A Blog All About Accessibility

Thanks to this article from Crave, I found a new blog that focuses exclusively on accessibility technology. Abledbody provides a wealth of news, articles, and expert opinions. I even noticed an article about Hunter College's (New York) plan to caption online courses via speech-to-text transcription. Abledbody may prove to be a valuable resource for keeping up with the current state of accessibility technology.

Flatworld Knowledge: Open College Textbooks

This article on Dave Rosenburg's blog tipped me off to an exciting site called Flatworld Knowledge. Its aim is to provide a library of free online textbooks to students and faculty. Additionally, the site offers self-print, softcover, and audio versions of texts for less than $30 each. Furthermore, teaching aids, study guides, quizzes and other items are available. From my exploration thus far, Flatworld Knowledge appears to be headed in the right direction. The texts are written by the same professors who would create traditional hardcover books. Each text features easily navigable contents, automatic citations, and intriguing social learning options, including the ability to take online notes, chat with other users, and post on discussion forums.

As it currently stands, Flatworld Knowledge is in its infancy and only a small number of texts are currently available. However, both its business model and ideological mission may have the appropriate amount of integration and balance to succeed and develop a sufficient following. I hope to see this site, and others like it, grow and expand over time. I believe that open textbooks have the potential to revolutionize the educational system for the benefit of both students and faculty.

Surfin' PRC - A Serious Game About Internet Censorship

Amidst more news of China's internet censorship, now in the form of blocking YouTube access, I felt it an opportune time to announce the release of my latest serious game.

In Surfin' PRC, the player takes on the role of a central government seeking to keep perceived ideological threats out of the minds of internet browsing citizens. The goal is to suppress as many ideas as possible, for as long as possible, while wasting billions of dollars in the process. To oppress one's best, one will not only need to build a strong firewall, but also to balance the national budget and manage unruly citizens.

Surfin' PRC is a visual microcosm of an abstract battle that the world's browsers, hackers, firewalls, and information fight on a perpetual basis. To learn more about internet censorship, start by reading this Wikipedia article.

Feel free to play Surfin' PRC and leave me your feedback on the game or any general thoughts that you may have on internet censorship.

2009 East Lansing Film Festival - Short Films Program 2 - Revised Descriptions

On March 21, I attended the "Short Films Program 2" portion of the 12th annual East Lansing Film Festival. Prior to viewing the movies, I was supplied with a booklet containing descriptions for each one. After witnessing the program, I regrettably discovered that the provided writeups were insufficient. Thus, I have elected to write my own, more descriptive, descriptions of each short film.

Neither Here Nor There (The Waiting Room)

Original Description

A young woman falls into a coma, and wakes up in an otherworldly waiting room. After meeting a series of strange characters, she must make a decision as to whether she wants to go forwards or backwards.

Revised Description

A woman wakes up in a world of unnecessarily spooky, digitized, and tin-y horror movie sound effects. Melodramatic soap-opera-esque characters abound. An eerie presence envelops the entire film, in spite of the fact that it is not intended to be a scary thriller. After being subjected to all of the audio distortion that she can handle, the woman at last encounters a mustachioed, cigarette-smoking, god-like character, who presents her with two options. He grants her wish, yet afterwards she wonders whether she has made the correct decision.

Golgata

Original Description

Rodeno finds a mysterious letter to his wife Golgata.

Revised Description

Rodeno finds an obvious letter to his wife that you will not pay the slightest bit of attention to until after the movie ends and you have thoroughly analyzed the main storyline. However, you will be distracted and utterly baffled by the numerous arbitrary and seemingly nonsensical portions of the story. Highlights include a "bring out your dead" cart bearer, a meaningless and obligatory 1980's booby scene, and a crazed mountain man who uses elaborate apparatus to drain his own blood.

Starsearcher

Original Description

Naomi and Robot search the stars to find hope for a post-apocalyptic Earth.

Revised Description

Naomi and Robot search the stars to find hope for a crudely-constructed, stop-aminateed, post-apocalyptic Earth. Robot, having no will to continue, commits suicide. In the process, he invalidates Naomi's entire existence by revealing a Matrix-like government conspiracy that seeks to achieve peace and happiness by maintaining an ignorant populace. After discovering the diabolical plot, Naomi has the opportunity to broadcast the truth to the citizens of Earth, but ultimately chooses to continue the charade.

Mildred Richards

Original Description

Mildred Richards, an egomaniacal, nearly bankrupt actress, enlists the assistance of her reluctant brother, Gerald, to wrest away the fortune of heir elderly, ailing aunt. Mildred has nothing short of murder on her mind, as she and her brother drive to their aunt's country estate, but things get complicated by the aunt's doctor, lawyer and maid!

Revised Description

Mildred Richards, an egomaniacal, nearly bankrupt actress, is forced to appear in a comical rendition of every film that your mother loves to watch on Turner Classic Movies, which will be well-received by an aging audience, and described in paragraph-long sentences, filled to the brim with comma faults, and chock-full of hyphenated words, all of which have clearly not been proof-read before being sent to print. She enlists the assistance of her alcoholic and meek, though charmingly redeemed brother, Gerald, to enact a diabolical scheme to steal their aging aunt's fortune that entails the kind of chicanery previously witnessed only on the likes of Saved By The Bell, The Cosby Show, and Three's Company. You will just love the zany characters, which include a doctor, lawyer, and even a maid!

Porque Hay Cosas Que Nunca Se Olvidan

Original Description

Naples (Italy), 1950. Four friends are playing soccer out on the street when their ball gets accidentally kicked into the evil old lady's yard. They'll never play with their ball again and for that the revenge will be deadly.

Revised Description

Four inconsiderate children are slamming a soccer ball against a sweet, turned evil, old lady's house. When their ball meets a brutal fate at the hands of the old lady, the inconsiderate, turned evil, children hatch a diabolical scheme, the caliber of which has only been previously witnessed in Mildred Richards. The mischievous youngsters murder the old lady and years later, ironically grow up to be spitting image stereotypes of their childhood counterparts.

Alicja Wonderland

Original Description

So he sat with closed eyes, and half believed that he was with Alicja, though he knew he had but to open them again, and all would return to dull reality.

Revised Description

A wily rascal steals Patryk's engagement ring and he abandons his fiance to sprint aimlessly into the unexplored woods. Shortly after, Patryk becomes lost. Alicja magically and confusingly appears to him. She proceeds to lead him into her home, which resembles something from Hostel 2, and incapacitate him with a concoction that she referred to as "fruit tea." At this point, Alicja engages in fulfilling Patryk's (or perhaps her own) wildest fantasies. Alicja, a gorgeous and exotic european woman, first ties Patryk up and places tape over his mouth. She then leaves the room, only to return hours later with a painted face. Her hand toggling the light switch, she cheerfully asserts that they are "going to a disco" and gleefully falls to the ground. Further schizo-abnormalities ensue. At last, Patryk wakes up to find Alicja's heavily eye shadowed, energy-drunk, and belligerent boyfriend. He cuts Patryk free from his binds and proceeds to threaten his balls with a knife. Thankfully, the lovable scamp who originally stole Patryk's ring distracts the dangerous Insane Clown Posse fanatic. Alicja returns the item to Patryk and orders him to leave.

Scion

Original Description

Deep in an abandoned factory lives Scion. Lonely and crippled, he hobbles along, trying to create a companion. When a mysterious man stumbles into the factory, Scion eagerly follows him and the two develop an odd relationship, ultimately changing Scion's insulated existence forever.

Revised Description

Deep in an automobile factory lives Scion. One day, a mysterious site manager joins the production line and they develop an innovative relationship. When the manager decides to install all-chrome interiors on every new model, Scion's insulated experience is changed forever. He and his manufactured penguinoid companion ride off into the gloomset with a ten year, 100,000 mile warranty.

Rankings

1. Neither Here Nor There

This is an interesting portrayal of one woman's time spent in a coma and likely to be a movie that you enjoy out of this group. Although, you may not realize that this is about a coma until after you read the description.

2. Alicja Wonderland

You will not be able to follow this movie, because there is no way that you can possibly understand the shifting points of view nor separate the imaginary and real segments. Yet somehow, you will be drawn to it.

3. Porque Hay Cosas Que Nunca Se Olvidan

This one is humorous and a little bit strange, but entertaining overall.

4. Mildred Richards

The more in tune you are with classic movies, the more likely you are to find this film, which satirizes older black and white productions, entertaining.

5. Starsearcher

The stop-motion animation is grungy and choppy, but that gives the movie character. It managed to tell a cohesive and meaningful story in a very short period of time. Naomi's final decision appears to indicate that the creator of this film believes a world of deceived, yet content and hopeful, citizens is more desirable than one with informed, realistic, and faulted inhabitants. You most likely disagree on the grounds that a society of fake peace and false hope is truthfully one of contention and deceit. In contrast, a world of imperfections is, at very least, true.

6. Golgata

This was entertaining for the most part and showed promise. However, the abundance of random, seemingly insignificant, characters and situations took away from its enjoyableness. Make sure not to miss the frequent, never-ending, and obnoxiously loud church organ scenes. Actually, you cannot miss them, even though you will want to.

7. Scion

I think the best thing going for this film is its potential to tie into commercial sponsorship. In my re-description, I even provided a head start direction for rebranding the movie.

Well, that concludes my revisions and rankings of the 2009 East Lansing Film Festival's Short Films Program 2. The event lasts until March 26, so you still have time to see these and other works of motion picture art before the festival ends (unless you are reading this after March 26, 2009).

Simple Blog Reporting Inspires Diverse Technological Debates

Introduction

Recently, it has been reported that Maine is seeking to expand its K-12 student laptop initiative, which began in 2003. The plan is now to provide every public student in grades seven through twelve with his or her own macbook computer. As I often find myself doing when I encounter interesting articles, I scrolled down to the comments section to see how people reacted to the news. This tactic seems to consistently provide me with a wealth of opinions on, related to, and derivative of the original article. Here, even in such a small sample, I found an intriguing diversity of technological thoughts and perceptions from fellow readers - all inspired by a simple news brief. I selected a number of topics from the comments and have decided to provide my thoughts, concerns, and ideas related to them.

Merely Providing Technology is Not Enough

Initiatives are always challenged by doubters with the assertion that giving technology to students is ineffective at improving learning and thus, is a waste of money. On the most literal, surface level, this is true. A computer can be manufactured and sold, but it cannot do anything just sitting there by itself. Human intervention is required to do so little as turn it on. In the same way, provided laptops or other educational technologies have to be accepted, used, and integrated into learning by administrators, teachers, and students alike. Without a genuine, universal commitment, technologies will fail to realize their full learning potential.

With the appropriate use, technologies can achieve what I frequently see supporters claim as the benefits to any initiative. They say that digital literacy will be improved and that students will be better prepared to compete in a global world. Furthermore, technology has a natural, sizable, and increasing influence on twenty first century life, in spite of the fact that it may not have a place in traditional schooling. To fear and resist the digital transition is to deprive students of valuable skills and detriment their ability to survive in the modern world. Yet again, the benefits of digital initiatives will not be achieved without proper use of the technologies involved.

What About the Teachers?

Closely tied to the challenges of the previous topic is the issue of educator proficiency. Although students may be experiencing and becoming knowledgeable with provided technologies, teachers may not be. In this circumstance, it is especially important to have institution-wide commitment to a digital initiative. Instructors cannot be expected to spend extra time and money outside of work in order to properly integrate new technologies. Instead, superiors need to recognize the training needs of educators and provide them with the time, tools, and compensation necessary to improve their literacy and succeed at integrating technology into their classrooms.

The Angry Professor

Another article, from the same day as the Maine laptop story, mentioned the negative perception of student laptops that some college professors have. Considering that there are just far too many ways to refute these beliefs, I will just recite a true observation from my career as a college student. For my past two years of study, I have brought my laptop with me to every course and performed class-related activities, such as taking notes, working on projects, and looking up additional information on discussion topics. Often times, I would be located in the vicinity of a student with the traditional, laptop-hating professor beloved, combination of pen and paper. In light of the aforementioned article, it is most ironic and humorous to think back to the activities that the more traditionally equipped student chose to engage in. Most often, I would describe it as falling somewhere along the spectrum between random geometric doodling and fine sketch art. In fact, I was fortunate enough to abscond with a fellow classmate's drawing from a sophomore level accounting course in fall of 2005. It is my pleasure to at last have the opportunity to share this artwork with you.

The point here is that laptops are not the reason that students are distracted in class. Be it due to personal circumstances, lack of interest, low motivation, or any number of other reasons, doodlers will always be doodlers.

Why Not Just Teach Everything Online?

Every K-12 student has been provided with, or every college student has been required to have, a computer. Logically then, the potential exists for every class to be taught online. Assuming internet access is fully available to students, this is a most appealing argument. Unfortunately, as with the following discussion of etextbooks, I can see adamant resistance to this notion. It is hard to believe that traditional, established educational systems will ever come around to digitizing at the same pace as the rest of the world, not merely because they are so far behind already, but because I am not sure that they want to. However, at very least, as the abundance of technologies continues to infiltrate and alter established systems, there is an undeniable excuse to increase the number of and experimentations with online courses.

Where are the e[text]books?

I thought that this was a great question and it is one that I am curious about myself. Especially in a circumstance where all students have state-provided laptops, electronic textbooks would be an ingenious way for schools to save space, waste, and money. But, I believe that the greatest value for ebooks could be achieved at the higher education level. Undergraduate students are typically expected to purchase roughly $500 worth of text books each and every semester (whether they actually do is a separate matter). The recent explosion of not only laptops at the college level, but of ebook readers (i.e. Amazon Kindle and Sony Digital Reader) at large, makes an appealing case for ebooks to venture into the educational realm. Imagine a freshman student who can spend $300 on an ebook reader, followed by a relatively trivial amount per semester on books, say $50, as opposed to $500 each and every semester for hard copies. Since this option does not currently exist, it is hard to predict with certainty, but the hypothetical savings over a four year degree would be $3,300 (or 82.5%) in favor of ebooks. Now this idea is sounding really good, even without mentioning the wasted space and weight associated with physical texts.

Actually, I am not totally sure why this is not already happening. According to posts on Amazon.com by college students who have attempted it, there are currently not enough electronic textbooks available and they are not always displayed properly by devices. For the latter, I am sure that if manufacturers were interested in tapping into the potential education market, they would make their devices capable of accommodating its products. Hence, my inclination is to think that a lack of publisher support is the true barrier to electronic textbooks. Perhaps they fear losing their high-priced stranglehold over students and institutions or maybe they are just slow to digitize, as is education itself. Whatever the problem is, it needs to disappear, because etextbooks are a welcomed revolution.

Conclusion

What started as a simple news brief on Maine's K-12 laptop initiative, spun off into many different debates about current topics in educational technology. The fact that I consistently see so many valuable arguments arise out of online discussions, speaks both to the diversity of standpoints that exist and the power of blogging to inspire thought and emotion in readers.

Fast, Easy, Low-Tech Educational Animations

Introduction

I recently discovered the educational use of simple paper animations thanks to a presentation by an MSU professor. It looked like such a fun technique that I had to try it out myself. Before I get into explaining how to create an animation, I will address some of the benefits and perceived challenges.

Benefits and Perceived Challenges

Educational animations are beneficial because they are

• fun to make
• a friendly and humorous tone setter for your students
• creative opportunities
• unique
• impactful: a great way to convey your message in a manner that viewers tend to enjoy

The perceived challenges of creating educational animations (and their refutations) are

• "I can't draw." The worse you are at drawing, the funnier your video will be. Use this to your advantage.
• "I don't have or know how to use advanced software." Everything you need can be obtained for free and is relatively simple to use.
• "I don't have the hardware." You can use the hardware that you have available and do not need anything fancy.
• "I don't have time." These animations can be made with relatively low effort and have a favorable time-benefit ratio. It would take no more time to convey a lesson through animation than any other method that you would choose.

The Basic Process

Step 1: Organize Your Ideas

Start from the idea of what message or knowledge you want to impart. Think about what you will say and how your animations will convey your idea. I recommend writing a script for your narration and creating a storyboard for your animation.

Step 2: Create Your Characters

Grab a marker, scissors, and paper and get to work. It is unimportant how refined your doodles are. Just draw what you need to effectively convey your message and move on.

Step 3: Record Your Narration

Use a microphone and whatever audio recording software you can obtain to record the sound for your animation. This is where a script comes in handy.

Step 4: Record Your Animation

Use a video camera, webcam, cell phone, or any other recording device to capture the visual portion of your animation. You will need to secure your camera in a stable position using a tripod or a flat, motionless surface.

Step 5: Combine Your Audio And Video

Take the editing software that you already have on your computer or anything that you can find for free and synchronize your audio and video. This will require speeding up or slowing down the video to match the duration of your narration. After this step is finished, your animation is complete!

I created the following video to walk you through the animation process and to provide an example of what a product of this method might look like. In the photographs that follow, you will see that I used the absolute most basic setup possible, which implies that you could make much more sophisticated movies than mine.

Example Animation

Low-Tech Proof

Lastly, to prove that these are fast, easy, low-tech animations, I wanted you to see exactly what I used to create the preceding video.

High-Tech Equipment

Five books, a box, and a wad of paper turned cell phone camera tripod.

Without their performances, my video would not have been possible.

Conclusion

Overall, I believe that making a paper animation is an excellent way to bring additional fun, humor, and learning to your students. Furthermore, it is an opportunity to be creative and playful yourself. If you happen to find an example of similar educational animations online (or perhaps if you create one yourself), feel free to link to it in a comment to this post.

2009: A Year in Mad Libs - March

The only blog post ever to incite dejected skirmishes all around the world...

March

Monday, March 2: Music

When the beat is right, who among us hasn't felt the lovable urge to snap her hearts or stomp his scalps or break out in a dejected skirmish?

Tuesday, March 3: TV Viewing Tips, Part Two

"Monday Night Unibrow Ball": The New York Stores play the St. Louis Salad Shooters in a game that will decide who goes to the Voluptuous Bowl.

Wednesday, March 4: Car Of The Year

It's here! The most luxurious panther you'll ever drive! The only four-door pool that comes equipped with dual air fragrances and contoured, plush leather minerals. When you see the sticker price, you are sure to shout, "great grandmother's spatula!"

Friday, March 5: A Report Card

Dear Parent, Your child has been behaving gleefully. He refuses to cooperate with his fellow megaphones and likes to fidget and blare in class. I do not think your soul is going to be an achiever.

Sunday, March 8: How To Be A Photographer

Many troubled photographers photograph bugs and beautiful perfumes. To be a photographer, you have to have a grindstone camera and you must study very sloppily for at least -1.2 years.

Monday, March 9: My Dream Man

My "Dream Man" should, first of all, be very drunk and belligerent. He should have a physique like Mao Tse Tung and the intelligence of a zebra.

Tuesday, March 10: How To Get A Job After School

Try not to smell like brussel sprouts or a koala bear. Be polite. Whenever an employer asks you anything, always say, "eureka!" Don't wear anything with grits stains on it.

Wednesday, March 11: Horoscope

Those born under the sign of the Zubaz possess colorful personalities and are forever searching for rocks to conquer. This is a willy-nilly month for you because Mercury is influencing your germs.

Thursday, March 12: Proverbs

1) Too many Cosbies spoil the pudding. 2) People who live in slushy homes shouldn't throw postal workers. 3) Love of pilots is the root of all evil.

Tuesday, March 17: Winter Games

From the moment the downhill leprechauns leave the gates until the second they finish, it's exciting! The racers combat the elements - the tonsil-chilling cold, the blinding snow four leaf clovers, and the winds racing up to 100 green kegs per hour.

Thursday, March 19: A Good Night's Sleep

To ensure a good night's sleep, open a window and fill your scalps with fresh manure and then, exhale chucklishly. If this doesn't work, count wombats jumping over a hot air balloon.

Saturday, March 21: More Father Goose Rhymes

There was a little girl, and she had a little curl right in the middle of her gums. And when she was supple, she was very, very elegant, and when she was bad she was bloody.

Tuesday, March 24: Home Sweet Home

Each and every nun, I look forward to coming back to my holy home, where my faithful pope will vigorously greet me by wagging its chest hair.

Wednesday, March 25: History Lesson

History has taught us about many famous men and women. There are so many hungry things about them. They are all incompetent role models. Some of these individuals were the first to be diplomats or even scented candle sculptors.

Tuesday, March 24: Home Sweet Home

Each and every nun, I look forward to coming back to my holy home, where my faithful pope will vigorously greet me by wagging its chest hair.

Thursday, March 26: The Comeback Kid

"Blanche Devereaux is back!" That's what thousands of fands kept shouting at the top of their Bea Arthur's as the San Francisco Sophias defeated the Miami Roses.

Friday, March 27: Audition Letter

Dear Wink Martindale, I am 400 years old and I would like to audition for the talent search you are having on your overzealous TV program. I open my act by playing door number three. Then I sing "Somewhere over the Parting Gift" while juggling.

Saturday, March 28: The Joys Of Parenthood

After only a short time, your child will be talking trimphantly and calling you his or her "basket" and saying things like "charmed!" Then they will begin waddling on their butt. That's when the fun starts!